Vox Nihili

Sitting in my car on the highway

I looked outside the window

And I thought

Of what the other people

In their cars

Were thinking

Looking out of their windows

And I felt like I was alone

But not lonely

I was alone

But in a good way.

Helios

Some people remind me that there has to be bad, for there to be good in this world. But I like to think that there are more people who remind me that if you look at yellow skies often enough, they become a part of you.

Who remind me that even the largest of mason jars couldn’t trap all of the sunshine in this world. And they remind me that the toughest of days can be gone in a good night’s sleep, and that none of this will matter when I’m 42.

The things that will matter is the books I read, the movies I watch, and the poetry I write. I am the person that 7-year-old me wished to be friends with. I am the person that 10-year-old me wished she would someday be. I am the person 12-year-old me imagined as the protagonists of her favourite books. And I am the person 15-year-old me wrote about, because she knew how much words meant. 

 

Unknown

Maybe the reason I like paradoxes so much, is that they are omnipresent – but nowhere at the same time. The one thing we know for certain, when we’re born, is the inherent nature of death. We do the things that kill us, in order to feel alive. We live to the fullest, to die with no regrets. 

And when I pondered upon the biggest paradox, that is life, I came across many along the way. The idea of organised chaos, of unheard words, and contradictory people. I found paradoxes in myself, in my mannerisms, in my being. I found infinities in nothingness, and realised that nothing with a twist is everything- is infinity.

And then I thought about knowing, and the idea of knowledge, of black swans, and awareness. We know some things, for sure- known ‘knowns’. We know that we don’t know about some things- unknown ‘knowns’. That is to say, we know that we don’t know some things. But there are some things that we don’t even know that we don’t know- the unknown unknowns. And these increase exponentially every second. With every move we make, and every step we take. How do we proceed to ever know them at all?

 

XXV

Twenty-five things I expect from myself at twenty-five

1. I expect myself to finally make the distinction between affect and effect (we all get confused sometimes, don’t we? No? Okay.)
2. I see myself backpacking across the seas, with a compass in my hand (on an app, of course)
3. I expect myself to have mastered the act of waking up in the morning, without the perpetual 5-minute snooze breaks. 
4. I would’ve learnt to cook actual, edible food; and not eat cereal and ramen noodles indefinitely. Also not on paper plates- I will own crockery and cutlery. 
5. I expect myself to have a passable knowledge of the working of the world, and current affairs. Passable, to post a Facebook status once in a while, you know?
6. I will have a bank balance that is above Rs.0. You know, unless there’s a sale. Or maybe rent due. 
7. I expect myself to actually bake a cake, without prematurely eating the batter. 
8. I would have mastered the act of reading a hardbound book without bending the spine. However hard it may be.
9. I would have learnt to manage my sleep pattern and coffee intake, instead of drowning myself in Macchiatos. 
10. My room will finally look like a neat mess, and will redefine organised chaos.
11. I would’ve adopted a stray dog from the streets, and felt happy after hours of endless barking.
12. I want myself to have scuba dived at least once, to explore the ocean in its rawest form.
13. I want to have skydived, just for the adrenaline rush of feeling free, 
14. I would’ve achieved a sense of peace, yet not left behind my gut feeling of taking things as thet go.
15. I would want to have camped out, under the stars, each time I felt nostalgic, low, or confused. For the sake of constance, and fond memories of the sky. 
16. At that age, I see myself with a decent resume, with accomplishments other than high scores on video games. I see myself as a person who is successful enough to prove a point- to no one but myself.
17. I expect myself to have retained my values of honesty and loyalty, and not let anything shackle my morality. 
18. I would’ve given back to the world, even a tiny percent of what it has given me. 
19. I expect to have learnt to say hello in 50 languages, just to evade my fear of being lost in translation. 
20. I would want to have read every Pulitzer Prize Fiction Novel- just to see what was so good, in order to craft my own opinions.
21. By that age, I would want to have attended the Olympics, to be a part of something spectacular.
22. I expect myself to have achieved a sense of equilibrium, but still have pangs of emotion, because they make life worth living.
23. I would like to see my name in a book, because words mean that much to me.
24. I see myself as a person who looks for colours in greyscales, and silver linings in the dreariest of tempests.
25. I see myself as a person who finally found herself, after years of exploring horizons, soul-searching, and internal catch-22 situations. I see myself as a person who knows it was all worth it in the end.

–

My parents warned me about the drugs in the streets

But never the ones with brown eyes and a heartbeat

My parents told me to stay away from strangers

But never that love was the sole danger

They said I was too young to feel

This wave of emotions, head over heels

My parents warned me about alcohol

But I was drunk with none at all.

Roadmaps on my Palms

Beautiful chaos. Perfect catastrophe

Varicoloured cars buzzing in symphony

Aroma of coffee; but dreams surround-

They’re far louder than the sound

The ambitions, they shout loud

Far above the culture-pot crowd.

Sweet Bean

Give me a hot cup of coffee

A book and a blanket, yes

Give me some time to do nothing

Escape the trouble and stress

 

A good book would be nice

Some company’d sure be better

But all I need is warmth

And a worn-out, loose sweater

 

Days like this will pass

Soon the sun will appear

Not in the sky or in pictures

But in my heart right here

The Realm of the Forgotten

When you’re looking for something you want,

Which seems impossible to find

But you find something you once wanted

That something, at the back of your mind.

 

That something that was forgotten

‘Til you found it once more

Between books, crushed up

At the back of your drawer.

 

Soon, everything evolves to this

To lost things in your room

But they can be re-ignited

And remembered; they can bloom.

 

So if you’re forgotten

Don’t worry, you’ll be found

Some day you’ll turn up behind a shelf

Perfectly safe and sound.

O Captain, My Captain!

Tickers flashing, statuses updating. The words shiver down my spine, until they don’t sound like words anymore. They don’t sound like anything anymore. A hypnotising whirlwind of energy comes to an standstill- the abyss reaches its end.

I look at the pages of my journal, to the clips of movies playing in my head, to the lines on the tip of my tongue, to the nuances of my being. And I find cacophonies.

Cacophonies of poetry, of humour, of life. He reminded me to suck the marrow of life, to live deep, even if it meant living offbeat. And I don’t know if suicide is a side-effect of depression, or if free will governs our souls, or if life even ends at all. But I do know that your legacy will live on in the pages of my journal, the smile on my face, and the person I am.

“But I with mournful tread,

Walk the deck my Captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead.”

Orthodox

Noses buried in textbooks

Butterflies in a jar

Clownfish stored in sea green tanks

To be admired from afar.

 

Bright red shoes in cartons

Rollerblades, tied up

Crayons, kept, neatly arranged

In a beige, spotless cup.

 

Feelings in metal cages

Thoughts, confined

All is to be mellow

All is to be refined.

 

All is to be correct, neat

Everything orthodox

And yet we tell ourselves

Think out of the box